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Monday - 11:52 a.m.

Avoid Akron. I just spent the weekend there. Things happened. Avoid Akron.

Elkie had a karate tournament in Akron on Sunday and invited me to come up and watch her compete. I had nothing better to do but sit in my apartment and listen to my neighbor's dogs bark, so I went. That's why I spent the weekend in Akron.

I drove. That kind of sucked because there is a distinct lack of parking in front of my building. Driving meant that I was going to lose my space. I didn't want to make Elkie drive because I thought that would be kind of draining on her since she had to compete in a karate tournament and everything. We couldn't take Elkie's Jeep because it's a stick shift, and I'm a pussy who’s never learned to drive one. So, I had to drive my car. That wasn't an easy thing to do. My car sucks a lot. I've been riding my bike to places lately because my car sucks. It sucks a lot, and I believe there is a family of raccoons living in the exhaust system.

I had never been to Akron before; I had only driven through Akron a few times on my way to Blossom Music Center, which is just north of Akron in Cuyahoga Falls. So, this past weekend was my first time in Akron, ever. I give my sincere apologies to everyone who lives in Akron, but what a shithole. Sorry, Akron board of tourism, but it’s your own damn fault.

I picked Elkie up Saturday afternoon, and she was ready to go. She even had the Spongebob Squarepants doll with her that I had won for her at Cedar Point. It took us a lot longer to get to Akron than it should have. My car sucks a lot, and it kept stalling. For some reason, the only way to get it to start again was to piss in the radiator, so I spent a lot of time pissing into the hood of my sucky car on the side of I-71.

When we finally got to Akron, we checked into a small motel that seemed more like a prison camp run by the Viet Cong. Little men in black pajamas kept poking at me with bamboo sticks while shouting "Di di mao!” all in an attempt to get me to go to my room faster. They made me park my sucky car inside the dumpster, and kept my wallet with them at the front desk.

Saturday night we ate with some of Elkie's karate friends, who were in town for the tournament, at a tavern called The Blinking Lizard, whose motto apparently was, "Bad Food, Worse Service." Her friends were nice, but I early on made the assumptions that they were all ninjas. I was drinking heavily by that point because Akron has a peculiar odor to it, and that odor was making me hear voices. The voices kept telling me to do "bad things."

At the Blinking Lizard, they kept bringing us bowls of tortilla chips. We had nine or ten bowls full of chips on our table before they came and told us it would be another half hour until our food was ready. A half-hour later, they brought us another bowl of tortilla chips. That's when we left. I was utterly sloshed by that point.

Elkie took me back to the hotel where we watched While you were out, I fucked up your room on The Learning Channel and made love. You know, on second thought, maybe Akron isn't so bad.

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